I Miss Cheese: The Perils of Getting Older
We are prepping for a garage sale. And have been moving things around in preparation for the biggest sale of the year. I am beat, I woke up feeling like I had been in a fender bender, followed by a heavy workout, followed by being the victim of a bear mauling.
So, of course, that got me to thinking about how smoothly I am aging.
- When I get out of bed in the morning, my entire body sounds like I am walking on bubble wrap. I pop and crack with the first 20 or so steps each morning while my finely tuned system boots up. I am AOL 1.0 dialing up to the internet.
- I can grow stray hairs anywhere, and I mean anywhere. No place on my body is sacred, it’s just a fertile soil for hair growth. At any point, you can find a long hair in an area where I assume normal humans don’t have hair.
- I now pay attention to what I eat based on how it will affect me a few hours later. Don’t want to get too graphic, but some foods and my stomach don’t get along…Cheese, sweet, sweet cheese, why do you hate me? I find this approach to be a very adult thing to do. Consider consequences before making decisions, who does that?
- As a kid I couldn’t care less about being dirty or smelling, as an adult I may shower 2 times a day depending on what I have done that day. This isn’t an obsessive thing (maybe slightly) it’s more of a gift to the world…. If I can smell myself after some physical exertion, I am sure others are enjoying my man musk, too. Also, I don’t like going to sleep dirty…is that weird? Possibly.
- I am bothered by other people’s driving. When I was younger, I just ignored most things and kept listening to my Creed CDs. Now I am convinced that no one knows how to drive but me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not the road rage type, and I don’t yell or scream, mostly I just make snarky comments under my breath that don’t help anything. And I am continually hoping the person who rode my tail for 5 minutes then sped around me at 80 MPH will be pulled over when I catch up with them down the road. It never happens, but I haven’t lost hope.
Embarrassing note: My kids now say phrases to other drivers before I can even get them out. I was taking Bennett to school the other day, and he said, “The gas is on the right,” to a car going slow in front of us. Then he started cracking up. WHOOPS.
Not a note, but a loosely related tangent: Let’s all slow down in parking lots, kids are hard to keep ahold of and can wander off in less than a second from even the most attentive parent. No one is making up any time in the parking lot of target, but I still see people flying by at breakneck speeds trying to set an obscure world record for getting from strip mall to box store.
If these last few paragraphs have taught us anything, it’s that I am going to be yelling at people to stay off my grass quicker than you can say 4PM dinner time.
So apparently I am getting older with the grace and fluidity of a dump truck, but at least I am going to be really awkward about it…